I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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