I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
