Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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