I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
