your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
