life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
