Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I can text with my tongue
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
