At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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