just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
being pregnant is like rehab
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We're too hungover to prance.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
