the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
