i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
