I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
grandma shit on top of the toilet
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
