I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
false alarm. still invincible.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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