Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
