He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
