you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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