We won't sleep together?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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