im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
