I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I look better un-naked...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
