So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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