The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
