i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
