There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
