if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
