Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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