Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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