mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
