So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
my poor anus
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
