I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
BRING THE BAGELS
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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