Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
another moral hangover. fuck.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
