all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
