don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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