After last night, I could never be a politician.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
