I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
