We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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