we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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