Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
