I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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