quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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