they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
