We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
