first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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