I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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