There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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