porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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