oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
