the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
