last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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