There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
