so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
