So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
